My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He better not be in your backpack
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
