Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
