I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize