you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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