I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
