i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
