When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
