i need an iv and a liver transplant
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
