Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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