i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
