i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize