Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
try to milk me bitch
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