how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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