if i can run in heels then i can drive
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
please come you make the beer taste better
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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