Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
