just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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