Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
