my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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