My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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