why im i the only drunk person in the library?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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