you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
