dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
