if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
