Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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