Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
