I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
