I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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