Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
