doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
