I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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