so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
