you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
