Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
