Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's blow job season.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
