god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
