Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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