The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
