I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
