i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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