I think my vagina is haunted
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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