Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
