So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i love accidental penises.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
