Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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