what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
