I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
