There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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