i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
