Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
