Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
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