make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
