i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
