She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
