My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
