I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
