Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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