I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize