you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
