I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
