I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
