I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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