We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
